Sitting and spinning: a question of burlesque direction

I often see people posting about a drop in confidence, an uncertainty in performance direction, a worry about getting booked etc. I always try to offer reassuring advice. But now its me experience all these things! Yes, I have come to yet another burlesque cross-roads, unsure which road I should take, and unsure whether I should bother at all.

 I suppose about two years ago I realised I was quite fed up with my burlesque style. People kept telling me how "cute" my acts were. Not a bad thing in itself, except I dont want to be cute, I am not a cute person, so this meant my acts werent genuinely reflecting my personality. But what did I want to do? And as much to the point: what could I do well? I wanted to do something more edgy, more skilled, just generally up my game. So I decided to dare to put old music hall rudeness and singing in my acts.

But then, after working hard on a couple of singing burlesque acts, I realised I was not enjoying them. In fact, I was stressing so much about doing them that I was dreading any show where I was performing them.

Bugger. Something had obviously gone wrong with my "new direction". What to do? *cue hand-wringing and pained expression*

The first thing to do would be to work out what I did not like about the new acts. They were stressing me out, why? Some pondering later, I deduced the following:

• I was stressed because I was not confident in my singing
• I was super paranoid about the radio headset mic not working, because the acts just couldnt be done with a hand-held.
• I felt quite unattractive in my costumes.

Ok. Those are the issues, how to solve them? I am taking singing lessons to build my skill and confidence, and I could always change the costumes. I could reduce the singing so that the whole act wasnt a song but only part of it etc.

But was this going to be enough? What I have realised doing the trampoline act is how important it is to enjoy your act, like REALLY love doing it, because that joy shines through. It is so important to commit to it (see previous blog), to really be in the moment while you are on stage, rather than stressing about words and pitch and microphones. And it has to have specatacle, visual impact, wow factor, which I dont feel those two acts have enough of.

So I have worked out what I am doing wrong, and what I can do to remedy it. But I still dont have a specific idea for an act that puts all these things right! 

"There's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path." said Morpheus to Neo!

I have ideas for new acts, but how to develop them? How to make sure I can actually pull them off? * you know when, in your head, you can do backflips and dance and all that stuff lol. And (this one is a big problem)- how to afford the level of costume that I need if I am to acheive that spectacle, that level of professional visual impact?

And, although it might seem weird after 6 years, I have that fear: "what if I put in all this effort and no one is interested in the new act? What if its crap?" You never know when the burlesque world will just lose interest in you. At least that is how it feels.

So now I am retiring or phasing out all my old acts and building a new repetoire. But considering the level I want to aim for, and the fact that acts seem to take me a year to bring out, I don't know how long this is going to take me. And I am worried I wont be able to make the acts as good as I want. Am I going to be an angry old woman with several expensive mediocre acts that no one wants to book?

I realise all artist people must go through periods of change and transition where they develop their style etc, but I am finding it rather worrying. Because while I am sitting and spinning, trying to work out who and what I want to be as a performer, and what I actually am capable of being, I can't apply for shows like I usually would, I cant advertise my acts cos they dont exist yet etc etc. And then I panic a bit, and that is not conducive to creative productiveness!

I have an idea for a new act. It involves a bit of singing, some physical comedy, a bling costume and a spectacle-filled ending, and I am going for it. Time will tell if it is any good, and in the meantime, maybe I need some pep-talks like the ones I give other people :-S