This morning I read the above article about Stephen Fry and his bipolar problems. As unfortunate as it is that he has these issues, I found the article oddly comforting. Not necessarily because someone else has similar issues to myself, but because he is in a very public role and he is older than me (and sometimes I feel I should have grown out of depression or should be a grown up, balanced and confident etc. Because age=maturity and sense, right? Sure it does, uhuh).
I am always trying to explain to people that I am really shy, crap socially and not confident, as well as depressed or bipolar or social anxiety disorder-having or whatever. But people never believe me!
"Oh but you seem so confident!" they say. "You get up on a stage, how could you do that if you didnt think you were awesome?!"
So it was nice to hear Stephen Fry saying that sometimes he puts on a face to do QI but inside he wishes he was dead. So often it takes everything I have and stuff I don't have to get me to a show or an interview or a social engagement, and it is exhausting, draining, but I do it anyway and odds are the people I meet there would never guess how dire I feel. And I don't really want them to know, because you have to do your job, be professional etc, and often they are total strangers. Weeping in the corner with a bottle of wine is not a good idea at work, nor is ranting angrily or gazing blankly at a wall going "wah wah wah". You have to pick your moments and your company!
The truth is, yes you can be shy and depressed and unconfident and still get up on a stage. I do it all the time. But why do I do it? The prevailing view seems to be that if I REALLY had these problems, I would never choose to perform, because I wouldn't be able to or want to. All I would want to do is hide.
You see, I am fully, painfully aware of my limitations. But I know the kind of person I want to be, the kind of life I want to have, and that is what I am trying to do, when I make myself perform, or do things that supposedly only "confident" people do.
I make myself do scary things because I want to be the sort of person who does those things, but sadly quite a lot is scary for me- even little things. If I am in the wrong mood, even having to go the checkout with a person and not the self-service machines is a challenge for me!. Which is probably why I am anxious a lot and so knackered! It is tiring to always be afraid and always be forcing yourself into scary situations. Not to mention the emotional beatings I give myself for being such a "wuss".
"WHY CANT YOU JUST NOT BE SO BLOODY SCARED OF EVERYTHING, LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!?" I yell at myself. Helpful, it is not. I am much harder on myself than on anyone else; if someone else came to me about social anxiety etc I would never think they were weak. Its a double standard I know, but there you have it. Or there I have it, at least. Not great for the old self-esteem, unless it is a competition to see who can be the meanest to me, in which case I would win that shit!
There is no particular conclusion to be had here beyond "don't judge a socially anxious performer by her confident exterior", and also maybe a virtual high-five to all of us who are forcing ourselves to do the scary things, then compensating by locking ourselves away in a dark room for a week, occasionally looking at facebook and wishing we were the newest member of the gang in Big Bang Theory.
