On selfishness...

A friend asked me the other day, how I manage to balance thinking of myself with trying to please other people. My response was that I am inherently selfish and I have to actively remind myself to think about other people's wants. Now that is true to a point, I do get a bit petulant sometimes, but I also know that I am pretty kind and compassionate, so I let myself off with the occasional paddy cos I cant go the restaurant I want or something.

I constantly weigh up the consequences of what I say and do. Its exhausting sometimes, to be honest. I think about how the other person/people might interpret what I say, how they might react, how they might feel, what the consequences will be for me, for them, in general.... Its a wonder I say anything at all. It  is hugely important to me not to hurt someone if at all possible, and not to force my point of view on someone, being of the mindset as a post-modernist thinker, that nothing is absolute. I know I can be wrong. And even if I think someone else is wrong, do I have the right to aggressively hound them for their opinion? Just cos I dont like someone, does that give me the right to tell them that and hurt their feelings? I dont think so.

The truth is, whilst my initial reactions to things are normal (ie impatience and a desire to tell people they are being idiots), that is quickly followed up and dominated by a need to make sure people are ok. I understand that people have it hard, feel shit about themselves, are having a bad day, bad year, feel inadequate, defensive, useless, scared.... So how can I be anything but understanding myself? I actually get berated for being too kind, but what else would I want to be? A massive hard arse bitch? It would be easier but actually, no.

Its about outcome, too. I sometimes get the sense that some people who claim to be activists or whatever, are more concerned about "having their say" than about facilitating change*. More concerned about hearing their own voices shouting THE TRUTH than actually getting people to change their minds. This idea that "I am saying the truth and they should all capitulate to my correct viewpoint". Dont get me wrong, I feel like this often too. But for me, I am more concerned with getting my own way. I will do what I have to do, say what I have to say, to get people to listen to me, and hopeful go on to see and agree with my viewpoint. And this mostly involves being calm, nice and seeming balanced when I want to shout "you massive dick!!!". But I want results, not just to shout my opinion. I suppose this could be called self-serving- but I mostly employ this when talking about feminism or mediating an argument so is it? I prefer everyone to get along, or at least behave with integrity, so maybe it still is.

*NB I do think that real social change comes from a tag team of shouters and "reasonable-seeming folk".

Not burlesque related, but hey!