Obsessed with being fat and being bad

A few months ago I was lucky enough to be cast for an advert, Foxy Bingo. The casting asked for women over 25 and above a size 16. So I went along and filmed the advert, everyone was nice, it was great, hard work and quite boring as there was a lot of waiting around, but a good experience none-the-less.

I knew they wanted me to film what is called an ident, one of those little "sponsored by" snippets they put on before an advert. So the day of the ident filming I happen to see the script in the pocket of the director, and feel a jolt of shock and hurt when I see that my bit is entitled "One Fat Lady."

Disclaimer: Everyone on that advert was lovely to me, friendly, professional,  even complimentary at times. The actual advert, which says "Meet Sue, she's one fat lady who is flirty thirty, she doesn't have droopy draws" (most of this is lost on me but I assume its bingo speak), is pleasant in tone and context and isn't insulting in any way. I am using this as an illustrative starting point to this blog, just to be clear, I don't feel any insult was made to fat people by the advert or anyone involved with it. I would highly recommend the production team and everyone I worked with on this shoot. 

So... One Fat Lady. You may be wondering why this was a surprise. After all, its bingo, Two Fat Ladies etc. The casting asked for, in so many words, fat ladies. And at a size 18, I am a fat lady. But it shocked me because I just don't think of myself like that. Its not that I feel slim, I know I am not.  I don't particularly like being big, mainly cos I am frequently told how rubbish it is to be fat. But it was a shock to me because being fat is not an important or defining part of how I think about myself. Mostly. That's why it was a shock, to realise that FAT is one of the primary ways that these people had seen me and did see me.

And why was it hurtful? Because being fat is bad, apparently. I am not saying it is an intrinsically bad or unattractive thing, I know how socially defined these things are, 200 years ago I would have been the super hottie. Its not even "because its unhealthy" as some people claim when they are fat-bashing. It CAN be unhealthy, and after a point it undeniably is,  but I know many big ladies who are fit and beautiful and robust and active and free of health conditions, and many slimmer people who aren't.

But the fact of the matter is, society says FAT IS BAD. It says that if you are fat, you are (ironically) less, if you are fat, you should be ashamed. And if you are a woman and are fat, you certainly should see this as THE DEFINING FEATURE OF YOUR LIFE AND YOUR IDENTITY! FATTTTT! We only need to look at magazines and adverts and TV characters and book characters to see that.

Plus, subsequent roles I have been offered have all been based on size. Plus-size model etc, something for the Sun about BMI. I even went to M&S to measure as a fitting model and she said to me "you are going to hate me for this, but you measure size 20 on top in our measurements. You are going to hate me for this. Why? Because my self-esteem should take a hit cos M&S lady measures me as bigger than I thought? Sure. Because my size is the most important thing about who I am.

Where did this weird fat-obsession slash hatred come from? I get not wanting to be fat, its not fashionable and it restricts what clothes fit you. But why be so derogatory about it? Why is fat more than just your body? Why is fat what you are worth as a person?

There has been a backlash, which, although the motive behind it is great, seems to have got a bit lost. All this "real women" stuff, the attitude that its ok to be mean about thin women. The attitude that you should love your body if you are unhealthily fat. Typically, we have screwed this whole thing up. Here is why:

• The idea isnt to boost fat by putting down thin, like the picture below unintentionally does, that's just doing the same thing in reverse.
• Unless you are a robot, anyone who has a gender identity as a woman is a real woman.
• Emphasizing how cool plus-size is, is nice, but it also reinforces it as something different to the "norm". 
• You should not be happy to let yourself be unhealthily fat (or thin, or anything else). If you are, you should try and do something about it.
• However, being unhealthily anything IS NOT a reason to be seen as a lesser human being and subjected to daily abuse and digs. 

And yes, in media and modelling, its all about image, I know this, and this is what the focus is on. I have opinions about that too, but will leave those for now.

So- I really do feel that we are overly concerned with image and particularly with being fat, if you are fat.

I am intelligent, overly-sensitive, thoughtful, a writer, a cider-lover. I'm a redhead, a performer, an ex goth-metaller.  I love animals, I hail from Newcastle-upon-Tyne, and I used to be obsessed with the Power-rangers. I'm a daughter, a sister, a friend, a fiancé  I have an underactive thyroid and have suffered from depression on and off since age 21.  Right now I am watching Jeremy Kyle, dying for the loo and waiting for some dude to fix the boiler.

And I happen to be fat.

Its not big and its not important.